i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize