And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I wear drunk well.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
