dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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