Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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