I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
