Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
