shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
