god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
