I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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