my phone needs a breathalizer
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
