The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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