oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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