Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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