Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
