After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
