Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
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I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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