you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
