Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
