I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
