I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
