are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
