we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
