It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
