You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
