I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
