true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
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P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
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I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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