From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
