That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
