dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
