yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
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It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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