I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I made him laugh his dick is mine
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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