I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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