he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
