I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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