are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
fuck your aforementioned shoe
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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