im drinking this country out of the recession.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
