After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
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