we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
