My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
