woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The struggles of a small town man whore
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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