I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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