i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
