ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
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I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
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Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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