put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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