I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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