I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
