So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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