my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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