dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
this hospital has no fireball
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
