you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
