Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
