I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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