So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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