fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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