I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
